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  We've all felt conflicted at some stage, but no one ever wants to feel conflicted.  Sometimes, you are there for your friends when they are conflicted, but you never want to be them.  Sometimes, you can't escape being that person... when you are that person, what do you do?

  I've done something I've never thought I would ever do...ever, yet I did it.  And I know so very much that God was involved in all these, from the point when I didn't even dare of doing such a thing to having a friend plant the thought in my mind to eventually now...after so many prayers from others and myself, at such a timing... in my heart, I know, without a doubt, that God led me to this point, this place. 

  Yet... at the moment, I don't even know how to put things into words.  I trust so much that God is good, because He has shown me that He is good.  When I look to Jesus, I know undeniably that He has the best plan, He is good! But a part of me can't come to term with reality, how to deal with the circumstance I'm in now... overwhelmed, glad yet sad.  I know, if possible, I don't want to be in this situation... but this is where God has put me, so how will and should I face the truth? How to turn to Jesus and let Him change me and grow me and leave all those things behind because everything is nothing compared to Him...?

  God is good.  He reminded me of Habakkuk.  To imitate Habakkuk, who sang a song to Him in the midst of troubles, a song that recalled God's past goodness and provision.  To accept the situation like Habakkuk, who although was very very afraid, chose to obey God's will and wait for the Babylonians to destroy.  To, finally, rejoice like Habakkuk when there is nothing to rejoice in except God Himself.

' Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.'

  God can change circumstances, I know, so I will pray for Him to change the circumstance.  BUT even if not...I pray for continual joy and faith in the only one who is able to lift me up to high places everlasting - my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

  Although as of this moment sadness is clouding over, but I know it'll be ok =)

I understand now.

さよなら。

P R O D I G A L

 The lyrics spoke my heart...

"Prodigal" by Casting Crown

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I've sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince
The next day you're a slave

Faith and Fear

  I've just listend to a sermon by Pastor Tim Lucas at Liquid Church and is extremely challenged by what he said:

True faith is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of Christ in the midst of storm, whatever it is

I think personally, whenever I've been hit with a difficult situation of any sort, my immediate reaction would be to panic, then think of ways to get around it or even hide away from it, asking God to change the situation... instead of facing it and getting through it, knowing that Jesus is there with me every step of the way, guarding my heart and mind in Him no matter what happens?

I think overtime, I've placed so much importance on external circumstances, because it can hurt so much, especially as you grow older, you are faced with so many things you have to deal with, so many hard things.  Therefore I have forgotten, or simply refuse to acknowledge that Jesus cares and places even more important on my heart...where my heart is in the midst of life's tumults and joys.  Although sometimes I might say and actually try and do turn to Jesus in hard times and hard issues... there's always a hint, if not more, of half-heartedness, because I still want things to happen my way and go my way.  I'm too scared to face what God has planned, knowing that it's more often than not is different to what I have planned.

But then, is that not sin? My fear is driving me to sin, to idolise my way, my desires and to idolise object/person/result that I want! 

Recently, I have realised all the more how tainted my heart and my mind are...

But I want transformation! To be a girl after Jesus and after God's own heart! I want to have faith, not fear..and to listen, obey and draw near to Him when He says, "Peace. Be still." I want to let Him change me, to let Him makes things happen His way in His time...

May I never forget this and keep calling out to my Heavenly Father for this.  And how grateful I am to have Jesus, only through Him, is all these possible, that I can keep coming back to His side and He'll still welcome me whole-heartedly, despite everything. Who else would accept me like this otherwise? And who else would understand just how dark, how desperate, how ruined, how hurt and how much need my heart has?

=)

Argh I just want to fight off this sad feeling... it's making not able to concentrate and do my uni work...and I really need to do it, so much is due next week >.<

But in a way, I'd rather be sad than not care nor feel anything at all... because that would really, really, really scare me.  If I am not sad, that means I don't care any more, that means what I think matters to me actually don't matter to me, that means I won't seek to do anything about it and if I don't do anything about it, then there might be consequences that I fear so much to think about...

I don't want to be sad though, I guess I'm just a walking contradiction at the moment -___-"

Lately, been just thinking about so many things from the past.  It's so strange, how over the short span of time of 3 or 4 years (if you think about how long a lifetime usually is, this is short!), so many things have changed, reshaped, happened... can you capture the moments again? Sometimes, I wish time would have stopped in that moment, in that time... because, despite the usual and random tosses and turns in life, we were so happy then.

But maybe people are happy even now, but it's just...different. And I really miss it. Although there are new studies, new jobs, new friendships, new loves... but there's something about then and there that, although I know it's part of life, I can't let go and know that nothing will ever be the same as then. 

Endless memories flashed back... study camps, HK2005, 1st year HG, MYC, hanging at the quad, going to SOTE, Valentines Day celebrations, mando dinners, dinners, movies, useless chats, encouraging chats...

Is God probing?
Wisdom needed. Guidance appreciated.

If this is now, wonder what will happen another 5 years down the track...?
I'm praying, hoping...

..and I wonder, with us...will we just keep drifting...apart?